Later this morning I will be in a courtroom, awaiting my turn before a judge. After that, I will spend days putting the final nail in His coffin (metaphorically speaking).
I’m feeling weird today. Part of me can hardly believe I’m here, at this point, less than two years after I started and less than a year (barely) since starting HRT. Another part of me is practically livid — why did it take you this long? Why didn’t you do this the moment you lost your job in June? Why didn’t you do this YEARS ago?!
To that last one, at least, I can tell myself plainly that He couldn’t have done it years ago and He likely wouldn’t have done it years ago even if He had been given the opportunity. I think there might have been a chance, around the end of high school and the first years of college, where a different Self in a different life might have recognized it, might have acted on it; but in this life, this Self is exactly where she has to be at this moment.
I have tried in the past few days to remember — really remember — what it was like to be Him even two years ago. Honestly, I can’t. Who I was is such a shadow to me now. I have trouble recalling what it felt like to be Him, just Him. Whenever I try to put myself back in that time I usually end up feeling lousy. I spent so many years thinking there was something wrong with my Self and with the world; I spent so many years feeling trapped and miserable and utterly wasting every experience.
And it makes me cry. It really does. Because I have become so disconnected from Him and His dysfunction that while I can remember events like my wedding and the birth of my children on a factual level, I can’t remember what it’s like to be in those moments. I have lost a lifetime. I have lost experiences I will never get back. This is a loss that deserves a few tears.
Today I close the book on Him. It will be a good and happy day, but not completely. I’m starting my life over, and I just hope I live this one so much better than I lived the last one.