Ick. I feel so unmotivated when I go a week without writing anything for this blog. Unfortunately, I find that I write more when things go wrong, and life is pretty okay right now.
On a personal level, I’m feeling really good. I’m genuinely happy, something I wasn’t able to say for 38 years of my life. I’m reconnecting with people that He neglected in his insular sadness. I’m also making an effort to go out more and see people and be seen, contrary to what is still my very introverted nature. I even went back to my old college of employment last week to help a friend clear out her office on her last day. It was easy to walk into that building; I don’t think it would have been so easy a month ago, when my planned first day of transition was supposed to occur. My friend, who has always been someone with great insight, said the nicest thing anyone’s said to me so far:
“You look at peace.”
That’s exactly it. I’m calm; I’m content; I’m at peace with myself. Life isn’t perfect, but I’m not worried about that. I’ll handle it.
The last few weeks have also had me easing into the groove of my new job. I’m still nervous about the way my students may be viewing me, but they seem to be respecting my identity and so I’m letting that slide and worrying about all the other things that stress me out on the job: planning lessons, grading assignments, keeping up with the gradebook, etc. You know — teacher things. Being at a new school, teaching a new class, these things put me a little off-kilter, but not enough to blog about here. That’s not the purpose of this blog, anyways.
I think that’s the question I’m struggling with now: what exactly is the purpose of this blog now? I started Ali Finds Her Self because it was useful for me. It allowed me to express myself in a time when I couldn’t in the real world; it allowed me to work through issues and think through problems and vent when I needed to. I’ve been going back and reading what I wrote last year, and some of it is really quite good. But it “clicked” best when I was struggling with my identity and emoting. “Things are pretty okay” is a dull theme for a blog.
Ali Finds Her Self needs a new direction. I’m not sure what that is. In the meantime I’m going to keep telling my story, what there is of it to tell, and I’m going to seek out new ways to add something of value to what I write. Stay tuned.
[Also, every time I log into the Admin panel here, I end up mucking behind the scenes with the new theme I need to put together since the old one turned out to be dysfunctional beyond my coding skills to quick-fix. I’m trying to child-theme a better theme now, but even that takes awhile. Please bear with the generic TwentyFourteen template while I do so. Thanks.]