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Categories: Ali Finds Her Self

I have not been in the blogging mood of late. What is there to blog about? I have no job. Every job application I submit is in His name, a reminder that, as of right now, I have no concrete transition plan. There’s no name change on my calendar anytime soon! And every night I lay down in an empty bed, alone, no one to share the down thoughts with. I’m alone in those moments where I desperately wish I had someone to be miserable with.

I am seeing my therapist this morning, and a good thing, too. I can feel the depression creeping back in, regardless of my meds. I keep telling myself that this is temporary, but that doesn’t help when I realize that any job I get at this point will be a step back for my Self. Last year they told me to find “little victories,” but how can a job application be a victory when it feels so very much like a failure?

I’m only writing this post to say I did. A little victory, right?


Comments

( 7 Comments )

Zarah says:

What about finding a job in the LGBT community, maybe as a counselor or something? Then you could go ahead with the name change. Just a thought …

A nice thought, but those jobs are so often volunteer. The pad ones require social work training.

I could empathize with your feeling discouraged, Ali, but I won’t. It’s not going to change how you feel anyway. That doesn’t mean I lack compassion. Compassion and empathy are two different things entirely. My question is, what are you asking from your readers by telling us how depressed you feel. We are not therapists, at least we are not your therapist and you telling us your troubles is simply dumping because we can’t do a damn thing about it while your therapist can. That is her job and she is paid to do it and we aren’t. I am not expecting an answer but you might want to consider that you might be addicted to feeling bad about yourself which is your little girl self talking, which is how you ‘ve been living your life even thought it never really worked for you, did it? I used to be like you, once upon a time, until I finally realized that I had the power to stop feeling sorry for myself and to put on my BIG girl panties and deal with it. It is within your power to change adversity into a gift and I will support you in that but I won’t support you in feeling sorry for yourself. Be well, Ali.

I ask nothing of my readers. I write this blog for no reason other than my own mental health. It has been from the start an outlet for me to say things out loud, to get them out of my head and make sense of them by putting them into some roughly ordered prose. If readers find value in my ramblings, then I’m happy to have given it to them.

I would invite you to look again what your motives really are because I, for one, get no value from complaining either from myself or anyone else. I used to keep private journals for my mental health and switched to blogging not because I hoped my blog would be of value to someone, it’s because I had something to say. By your post title, you have already admitted that you didn’t, this time but when you really have something to say, I would like to read it and this wasn’t one of those times, I’m afraid.

We’ll have to agree to disagree, I suppose. I know my motives and they’ve served me well so far. This blog is my story — the ups and downs, the goods and bads. Wednesday was a bad, bad day. My depression, which has been a central theme of this blog, was flaring up the worst it has been in months. I felt compelled to write something about it. I neither second guess that choice nor apologize for it after the fact. I just keep writing.

There is no need to disagree or to agree to disagree. I merely invited you to re=examine your motives because I am constantly re-examining mine because things are hardly ever what they may appear to be. If that were true we would not need psychologists, therapists, twelve step groups or any of the other stuff that people say they don’t need, that is, until the crises of life reach the point that you either choose to start making your life work the way it could or you go out and jump off a bridge or commit mass murder or something similar because you really hate yourself and don’t believe that you can ever change which is the biggest lie put upon us by those who want to control us because we refuse to take responsibility for everything that happens. Everything with no exceptions. Believe it or don’t Ali, as I said it’s no skin off my back whether you believe me or don’t. I wish you the best, always!

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