February 5, 2014

What Led To Me Coming Out

Okay. I promised to tell you all about what’s been going on in the last week and a half. So let me explain.

No, there is too much. Let me sum up.

About ten days ago, I got the flu. It was really bad timing — not that there’s ever a good time for influenza, but this was a particularly stressful time for me. Some of it, like the issues with my dad and my accidental Facebook outing, I’ve mentioned here; others, like some stressors at work, I have not. Suffice to say is that coming down with a flu bad enough to take me out of commission for two days and to sap my energy for a whole week was just more shit piled on top of an already stressful time.

By the time Friday rolled around, I was beaten down. I had worked essentially for two days straight to catch up from the flu days. During that time I had heard about some potential badness coming down the pipeline at work that would upend my position; while it was mostly rumor at this point, it was still worrisome. I had been burning the candle at both ends. I had the kids and they were not having their best behaved day. And then, on Friday night, I learned that my dad did, indeed, get the Bad Diagnosis.

I can’t even say that I slipped back into depression at that point. I dropped into it like a lead weight in cold water. By Saturday morning I was a wreck. My ex came and picked up the kids early just to give me time to breathe, think, and sleep (when I’m depressed, I sleep A LOT). This was the worst my depression had been in a long time — frankly, since the suicide attempt.

Luckily, I’ve learned a lot since then about strategies to cope when the depression hits. And luckily, my brain works better now than it did then (thanks, bupropion and estradiol!). So I slept, and I ate (I hadn’t eaten anything since the day before, another thing I sometimes do when I’m depressed), and I thought a lot.

That was the day I wrote down the first draft of what became my coming out post. I can’t tell you why, exactly, sinking into depression about things not directly related to being trans led to such a big decision concerning being trans, but that’s the nature of psychology. I assure you, it made sense at the time. More importantly, it gave me something to focus on.

I decided to wait until Tuesday, though, just to make sure I was more mentally centered, and also so I could talk to my therapist about it. I was, and I did, and so I posted it. And now I feel better.

There, now you’re up to speed.

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