January 28, 2014

Drip, Drip, Drip …

If I share this with you
Never say a word
They would never understand
If they ever heard …
— Blackmore’s Night, “Cartouche”

The inevitable Facebook outing continues, albeit organically. I still have not “come out” publicly, still have not actively friended anyone, and yet people are putting two and two together and arriving at the right conclusions (for the most part). My friends list is slowly growing.

And yes, I am more or less sitting back and letting this happen. I do have a choice here. I could take steps to stop it — or at least slow it down — by locking down my account, changing my profile picture, etc. Conversely, I could get ahead of the message, come out to everyone, announce myself directly … if I wanted to. But honestly, right now I kind of like it this way.

Is this the lazy way out? Maybe. It certainly takes away the active anxiety that would come from annoncing myself, replacing it instead with a stomach-deep lingering anxiety every single time I log on. The way I look at it is this: there’s no such thing as a rulebook for how to do this. We’re all just adjusting our plans as things go along, and right now this seems to be the right thing to do.

So far I have gotten only positive and supporting reactions. The optimist in me is beginning to think that this won’t be so bad after all. The pessimist, however, is bracing for the inevitable negative reaction, which my gut and the experiences of a thousand transwomen before me all say is coming at some point. I can’t predict who it will be or when it will be, but I can be sure to not let it blindside me when it comes.

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