January 6, 2014


My ex-wife remarried yesterday. I’m happy for her, but I definitely have mixed feelings about it.

On the one hand, she’s happy. She’s moving on. He’s a decent guy (kind of boring, really) and I have no problems trusting my kids with him. My ex is more financially stable now. She’s happy and she’s moving on.

On the other hand, it makes me feel that much more alone in the world. Even after the divorce, she and I still had a sort of connection, a history together, an understanding. We were still open and frank with each other about practically everything. I know that we probably technically still have that, but it just feels like the last threads of a tie — tenuous, frayed, but still connecting — have been cut.

As I watched her small ceremony yesterday — yes, I attended — I just began to feel so isolated. What members of her family were there used to me my family, too. Now I was just another “friend of the family.”

I tried to text her last night, just to chat, but all I got back were monosyllabic responses, before getting no responses at all. 

I have increasingly come to the realization that I will never, ever have another committed relationship like a marriage. It’s just not in me. Finding my ex was a happenstance event. I don’t “date”; I never dated before meeting her, and I haven’t dated since divorcing her. I hate bars and I hate parties and I hate meeting new people. I’m an introverted transgender woman with trust issues, and I just don’t connect with people on that level anymore. I never did, except with her, and now she’s gone, too. 

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