Ever since I was a about twelve, I have resisted the urge every year to go out on Halloween dressed as a woman. The idea was planted in me sometime in middle school when a neighbor boy did just that — dressed as a girl to trick-or-treat. His was a goofy caricature of a girl with big balloon bosom and overdone make-up; but I remember that Halloween costume to this day because ever since then I’ve been too cowardly to try it myself.
So here I am, my first year “out,” and you’d think this would be the perfect opportunity for me to live the dream, right?
Nope. I am not dressing as a women for Halloween this year. In fact, I am not dressing up at all! I have to teach a class on Thursday evening. But honestly, even if I had the opportunity, I would not be going out as a woman this year. I could say that the reason why is because if I wasn’t working, I would be going out with my kids and they don’t know I’m trans yet. But that would be a dodge, too.
The fact is, even if I had the opportunity I would not be going out as a woman this year because for me, dressing as a woman doesn’t feel like a costume anymore. It’s what I do whenever I’m able. [Heck, I am dressed as a woman as I type the first draft of this post.] I do it not because it’s Halloween, but because it’s me.
Sure, Halloween would give me the excuse to go out and about, maybe see people I know in a safe encounter; but from their perspective I would be wearing a costume. I don’t want them to see that. When they see me as a woman, I want them to know that it’s not something I’m going to be taking off at the end of the night.
In a lot of ways, I will be in costume this Halloween; I will be dressed in my Him suit, acting like Him, talking like Him, living His life. Because it really does feel more like a costume nowadays.
Let me say this: I know a lot of other women out there early in their transitions do like to use Halloween as an opportunity to be themselves in public. I totally get that urge. And honestly, if the timing were different, if Halloween had come three or four months ago, I might be doing it, too. This is completely a personal decision, not a judgement against others who might choose differently. It’s just that for me, right now, this feels like the right position to take.
I’m looking forward to next year. Next year, I will not have the urge to dress like a woman for Halloween. Next year, dressing like a woman will simply be who I am, everyday and to everyone. And then I can focus on the important question: do I want to be a sexy nurse, or a sexy police officer, or a sexy Ghostbuster, or a sexy nun, or a sexy Elmo, or a sexy …