This weekend was a bit reflective for me. The excitement from Tuesday’s big development has faded a bit, but it hasn’t gone away entirely. I don’t think I will go away, not for a long time.
It did, however, put me in a very self-reflective mood this weekend. The beginning of October marked only six months since my suicide attempt, and yet here I am, a completely different person in a much better place. I went back and read some of what I wrote around that time, and I don’t always recognize the person — the man? — in those posts. I was pining so much for my ex back then; I was so much in denial about who I was or where I was headed; I was practically throwing tantrums in some posts. I like where I am now a lot more than I like where I was then.
This weekend also gave me some time to sort through the piles of clothes I’ve purchased in the last six months. Really, there was an embarrassing amount of clothes in my closet, many of them still in the black plastic bags Salvation Army uses, many still with the handwritten price tags attached. If I only bought 5 items a week, and allowing that for about five months I’ve gone to SA every week on average, there would be 100 items here; but I know that many weeks I’ve bought more than that. So yeah, there was a lot of stuff there. So I went through it all, tried on nearly every item, considered every piece, tried to thin things down.
And what was the result? I was able to set a lot of things aside for donation in part because I’m thinner now. I’m somewhere in the range of 20 – 30 lbs lighter than I was when I bought some of this stuff, and the result is there are clothes that are too big for me now. Do you know how good it feels to be getting rid of women’s clothes that are too big for me? Yeah, it’s a good feeling.
In general, I just feel much better when I look in the mirror. The thinner I get, and the longer my hair grows, the less I look like Him. I haven’t started hormones yet, but in a lot of ways I’m already changing into me. I see Ali in the mirror now more and more, even when I’m in Him mode, even at work in a suit and tie.
Six months ago I was ready to die. Now, I’m ready to live. It hasn’t been easy, and my life is far from perfect, but I can definitely say I am the happiest I’ve been in a long, long time.