backtotop

Categories: Ali Finds Her Self

tangled-webI am lonely.

This is something that has been bothering me for some time now. I simply don’t have someone in my life with whom I can be intimate, with whom I can share everything, with whom I can enjoy all the little things and suffer through the bad times. That used to be my ex, and sadly she is still the closest thing I have to an intimate partner; at least, she’s the one I can be most open with. But I still come home at night to an empty apartment, everything just where I left it when I went to work in the morning.

I didn’t realize I was lonely until a few weeks ago. But then I encountered someone whom I hadn’t seen in six or seven months. She and I were always friendly, but before I was always married. Now, I’m divorced; and she is unmarried; and I realized that I like this woman. 

But what kind of relationship could I start with her that wouldn’t be a lie? I could start a relationship with her in Him mode and not tell her about who I really am. But that would be building things on lies. It was lies that ruined my marriage; and since she’d inevitably find out sometime, it would be just another lie that killed a relationship. Also, she is a coworker and I am not “out” at work. I can’t just outright tell her. That’s a surefire way to either freak her out or get my secret exposed somehow.

The other option is that I go out some Saturday night as myself, maybe to a trans-friendly gay bar (there are a few around), and try to meet new people. But even that would be something of a lie because I don’t live as myself, not most of the time, not yet. And anyway, I’m not attracted to men. Starting a relationship as Ali would feel like I was selling a bill of goods. Sure, I could be upfront with the person about my part-time persona, but I think that lowers my chances of finding someone significantly.

Besides, I don’t want to introduce someone to Him. I want someone for meI just can’t give that to anyone right now. I don’t have it to give. 

There is just no realistic, meaningful way for me to start a relationship right now. I don’t even feel comfortable making friends right now, because each new friend is someone I have to come out to someday. I don’t need that stress.

I think that this loneliness was, in part, what pushed me to take the next step towards hormones. Once I finish the process, I will come out me, whatever me ends up being, but me nonetheless, complete and final. And then I can get on with my life. 


Comments

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pi314chron says:

Your next to last paragraph states that there’s no way for you to have a relationship or even friends at this time. Two questions: (1) What of your gamer friends? (2) Would it be possible to meet a FtM (either pre- or post-op) and see if a relationship seemed viable? Or would you prefer a genetic woman? (yeah, I know, that’s THREE questions…so sue me!)

In any case,putting your life on hold (as you indicate in the last sentence of your post) seems ineffably sad. Surely you can find happiness, peace, and joy NOW, without making all of that contingent on some other person supplying them to you?

I sense in you an inner peace that certainly wasn’t there even a month ago. Give it time. Baby steps…you’ll get there!

Your friend,

Just Ron

Ali says:

Thanks for the kind comment. It’s not that I’m entirely putting my life on hold. It’s just that every new person I meet feels like someone I’m lying to, and it’s making it hard sometimes to try new things or meet new people. The alternative is to be completely open to everyone I meet about my gender issues; but that’s both wildly inappropriate for a causal first encounter and a recipe for lots and lots of rejection.

pi314chron says:

Oh! Forgot to mention — You and Sir Walter Scott…complete with the “tangled web” (which doesn’t look too tangled to me…sheesh! You really get off on that guy, don’t you! *hehe* Very understated literary allusion, though! Congrats!

Ali says:

I was wondering who would recognize (or Google) the Marmion reference. 🙂

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