This is something that has been bothering me for some time now. I simply don’t have someone in my life with whom I can be intimate, with whom I can share everything, with whom I can enjoy all the little things and suffer through the bad times. That used to be my ex, and sadly she is still the closest thing I have to an intimate partner; at least, she’s the one I can be most open with. But I still come home at night to an empty apartment, everything just where I left it when I went to work in the morning.
I didn’t realize I was lonely until a few weeks ago. But then I encountered someone whom I hadn’t seen in six or seven months. She and I were always friendly, but before I was always married. Now, I’m divorced; and she is unmarried; and I realized that I like this woman.
But what kind of relationship could I start with her that wouldn’t be a lie? I could start a relationship with her in Him mode and not tell her about who I really am. But that would be building things on lies. It was lies that ruined my marriage; and since she’d inevitably find out sometime, it would be just another lie that killed a relationship. Also, she is a coworker and I am not “out” at work. I can’t just outright tell her. That’s a surefire way to either freak her out or get my secret exposed somehow.
The other option is that I go out some Saturday night as myself, maybe to a trans-friendly gay bar (there are a few around), and try to meet new people. But even that would be something of a lie because I don’t live as myself, not most of the time, not yet. And anyway, I’m not attracted to men. Starting a relationship as Ali would feel like I was selling a bill of goods. Sure, I could be upfront with the person about my part-time persona, but I think that lowers my chances of finding someone significantly.
Besides, I don’t want to introduce someone to Him. I want someone for me. I just can’t give that to anyone right now. I don’t have it to give.
There is just no realistic, meaningful way for me to start a relationship right now. I don’t even feel comfortable making friends right now, because each new friend is someone I have to come out to someday. I don’t need that stress.
I think that this loneliness was, in part, what pushed me to take the next step towards hormones. Once I finish the process, I will come out me, whatever me ends up being, but me nonetheless, complete and final. And then I can get on with my life.