June 20, 2013

Him vs. Her

himvherSince the dam broke last week and Ali started stepping out into public, an interesting thing has happened: I’ve become divided.

In the weeks prior to Ali coming out, my general presentation had become rather androgynous. I’d found a number of women’s shirts that “passed as male” when worn the right way, along with jeans, shorts, and even sneakers that, at first glance, didn’t “read” female. Altogether, it could be pretty borderline, though — the cut of the jeans, the more feminine shirt collars, the powder blue sneaker trim — especially since I’d begun carrying my purse and wearing the occasional bracelet.

Now, in Him mode, I’m back to wearing more plain old Him clothes. Mentally I’ve tried to blame this on the rising temperatures; it’s harder to “be androgynous” in t-shirt and shorts, and t-shirts and shorts are both unisex anyway. But that’s not it. I have stopped carrying the purse while in Him mode; I’ve cut back on the wrist decoration; I’ve pulled out my old male sneakers. Him mode is reverting more to Him.

The other effect of all this is that, even after only a week, there are certain activities that I only want to do in Ali mode. The notable one is going shopping. Even if I only need to stop for a couple of things after work, even if it’s 10pm, I’ll go back to the apartment first and spend half an hour getting in the Her mode before going out. It’s almost always to the local Meijer, where they have self-checkout and never close. In other words, a fairly safe zone. A hassle to prepare for a simple errand, but worth it mentally.

Why is this happening? I think it’s because even little outings as Her seems to have relieved the pressure on Him. I’m expressing myself in Ali mode now, and so maybe “androgyny” just isn’t cutting it anymore; or maybe my Self just doesn’t need it. Being Ali means being her, not some halfway Him. Or maybe my Him side is pushing back. I don’t know.

This division of my Self has, not surprisingly, left me feeling slightly insane. It’s a bad time to have a two-week break from therapy …

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  • I understand what you mean. I have gone back and forth more than once myself. For now I am back to wearing a lot of female things even when presenting as male. It is whatever is working for you right now which is most important. If it means going all “him” or all “her” or a mix of the two, then you just need to follow your heart. Don’t drive yourself crazy trying to be what you think is right according to those around you. Just be yourself. It will all work out in the end.

  • I am a 64 year old crossdresser, told my wife of 35 years about the secret I carried since age 5 8 years ago. It has been a rock road but we are working through it. She and I have worked out boundaries and both relise the relationship has change and we need to work on the new relationship. Been dressing full time and going out since age 20. no one knew. I have been androgynous dressing with womens jeans, shirts, blouses, shoes 2 to 3 inch heels for over 20 years in male mode. No one notices. since telling the wife ears are pierced, hair all over is all gone, lasered. Have carried a womans leather purse in male mode for over 25 years. Chiropractor told me to get the wallet out of my pocket. If I was 25 again I would have transitioned. From gender counselling I have quit beating myself up, accept who I am and if others have a problem it is their problem due to ignorance.

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