I have been paranoid recently about how my children will be affected by my transition. Will losing their dad scar them? Will they suffer for not having a “good male role model” in their life? Will they accept me or reject me? Will my youngest, not even two, even remember her “daddy” at all? It’s one of the many things that keeps me awake at night, even with the clonazepam my doctor prescribed to help me sleep.
So I guess now was a providential time to discover Jenny Boylan.
She’s apparently been one of the more public faces of trans for some time now. She has a blog with Psychology Today, she’s written a number of books, and she’s done a lot of media appearances … none of which I’d ever encountered before. I think I may have seen the name mentioned once or twice in the past couple of months, but never took notice. I’m glad I found her today, because her story is exactly the sort of thing I need to read right now.
I’m still early in my transition — little changes, here and there, many invisible — but as those changes accrete, as they become more visible, my children will be the first ones I look to for a reaction. And I hope beyond hope that my story echos Boylan’s in this respect. I hope that my kids will be okay with it — okay with me — and that I won’t damage them, or lose them, or drive them away. Boylan’s story shows me that it’s possible to transition and still hold on to those precious little lives I sired.
By sharing my own story on this blog, I hope at least a little bit that others who come after me find some value in what I’ve shared. Likewise, I’m constantly reading about the experiences of others, good and bad. Boylan’s was definitely a “good,” very different than many of the stories I’ve heard. I’m glad she has chosen to share it. Even if her experience is atypical, it’s one that gives hope.
Now, I think I’m off to track down a good used copy of She’s Not There: A Life In Two Genders. Sounds like a good read.