I’m almost done with these. Just a little more to tell.
While I was in the mental hospital, I did a lot of thinking about Ali. Who she was, who she needed to be, how she would express herself in the world. I still waver between who gets the first-person pronoun and who the third; in the hospital Ali was definitely getting third-person treatment.
Looking back, a lot of my thinking about the Ali side of me started Sunday night, after the contentious visiting hours with Robin and my parents. I have been having trouble sleeping for months now, and in the hospital they gave me a medicine called trazidone to try and help me sleep. It didn’t work, and Sunday night was especially bad …
150 mg of trazidone in me and I just lay awake for an hour, unable to sleep. My mind is too full of the reality of moving out of my home, away from my kids. It’s not fair! But it’s a reality I have to accept.
So my mind wanders to the weirdest places. Going to IKEA for furniture; wondering if I can survive with only the laptop & an external hard drive; wondering if I’ll unpack or just live out of boxes; trying to decide if I want to cancel our shared Netflix account. It’s weird where the mind can go in a moment of crisis.
I wish I could sleep. Maybe tomorrow I’ll let myself be a little more Ali.
Man, fuck trazidone. Why can’t I sleep!!!!!!!! #sucks
The following day, I did let Ali out, though not in the way I expected. There are pages of writing over the course of Monday dedicated to, of all things, jewelry-making. With sketches!
That’s not quite as out-of-left-field as it may seem. See, the week prior to my hospitalization, I’d somehow gotten the idea in my head that it would be fun to make jewelry. I’ve never been interested in jewelry before, and as a man I wore nothing but my wedding ring, but I had this sudden urge not to wear jewelry, but to make it. Once the itch was there I needed to scratch it, and so I’d ordered a small jewelry-making kit from Amazon, the kind with 4 or 5 pre-designed items, a bunch of beads, and some instructions. The box had gotten there the very day I went to the overpass, and so I never got a chance to open it.
Monday, though, I got thinking about it, and with nothing better to do I just kept writing.
I’ve really been thinking about this jewelry thing. Is Ali a jewelry maker? I’ve always enjoyed art and creation; perhaps this is just an Ali way of expressing that. Or maybe it’s jut delayed gratification taking its toll — I was supposed to have my kit by now.
In any case, it is currently lodged in my head as a long-term interest. I’m even envisioning an Etsy site or something, catering to large sizes / transwomen. There will be Water & Fire collections, I think. Water will be more conservative, while Fire may be more experimental at first. I have this idea for a bracelet […]
And it goes on from there. It’s not worth transcribing — seriously, I started, and then I deleted it — but it’s there nonetheless. Pages of writing abut jewelry. Well, there’s one other entry that is perhaps interesting …
If I’m going to do this jewelry thing, I have so much to learn about jewelry. What styles, what functions — heck, how to wear it!
Like rings. Robin is a ring fan; she wears three on one hand, two on the other. I do not understand this. Or worse, women who wear those enormous brooch rings. How do those not interfere with hand function? I guess the point is to wear them in situations where you do not need perfect hand function. Like when typing — long nail and a brooch ring seem like a terrible combo for typing.
But that’s thinking like a man. A woman decorates. She wears things for ornament, not just for coverage. I will have to get into that mindset. It means learning how to call attention to myself — a little “look at me” attitude that is complete antithesis to how I currently live my life. Should be an interesting transition.