backtotop

Categories: Ali Finds Her Self

Real life continues to be chaotic right now. It’s not settled, and I’m not up to blogging about it (also, I don’t have a home Internet connection at the moment). So for now, I will continue posting entries from my mental hospital journal. There’s a narrative in here somewhere.

As I’ve said before, the plan for Robin and me was to move to a new house together, as roommates and co-parents, at least on a short-term basis. But after my night on the overpass, that all began to unravel …

12.

Robin, I could not get ahold of you tonight. I hope you are not avoiding me. You were very loving in the hospital, but I am so, so afraid that you’re planning to leave behind my back. And why not? You have a three day window and my forced institutionalization working for you.

But I have to believe you are sincere. This paranoia — the nurse practitioner here, Hollie, calls it an “abandonment issue” — needs to be overcome. When you’re still there when I get out, maybe I will finally be able to let it go.

14.

My wedding ring is a part of me. I do not know how I will ever stop wearing it. #divorcesucks

19.

Finally got ahold of Robin last night. Usual supportive platitudes, but also brought up the need to begin honestly separating our lives. Not the smartest thing to say to a depressed mental patient, with spouse abandonment issues, but whatever.

In short, this breakdown of mine is a fine time to announce the break-up, apparently. It’s hard to hide an enforced stay in a mental institution! She wants to begin making it an open secret that we are separating. Probably so she can begin posting pictures of her new boyfriend on Facebook. But she says it’s to help me see the break-up as real.

Fact: I will not move out of the house where my kids live. Not unless I am forced to in some way. If that means sleeping on the couch, then so be it.

I must also try to keep my anger and resentment against her down. I love her to this day, and though she is pushing me away, I refuse to be pushed too far. We will have a relationship moving forward, even as friends. I refuse to believe I could ever resent or hate her.

I love you, Robin. I wish I had not crushed the love you feel for me in return.

21.

Robin accused me of seeing her through rose-colored glasses. And that’s true. I do. I know she is a flawed human being — this whole dating step has been one huge, selfish flaw — but she’s the only woman I’ve known like this, and she knows my preferences and my flaws, and she still loves me, even if not in that way.

And I know that, in my anger and anxiety, I sometimes hurt her, treated her like dirt, and I will regret that for the rest of my life. And I hate myself for those years. I love her. I love her. I love her, and I don’t know how to go on without her.

24.

Fuck.

25.

#FUCK

Yes, I wrote hashtags in my journal. Force of habit. If these “Notes” posts are getting tiresome, let me know. In the meantime, I’m going to keep sifting through the noise, looking for the narrative.


Comments

( 0 Comments )

I’ve written hashtags in my journals and I don’t even have a Twitter account.

“I love her to this day, and though she is pushing me away, I refuse to be pushed too far
“this whole dating step has been one huge, selfish flaw”

Can you hear how very male and controlling this sounds? You do not have the right to impose yourself on her against her wishes, no matter how much you’d like to. It’s aggressive and rapey. I’m sorry for your mental health problems–I have quite a few myself–but they do not give you the right to slop your shit over on her.

Ali says:

Believe it or not, I agree with you. These are entries I was writing while I was in the mental hospital, dealing with a lot of inner conflict. The blog is currently a few weeks behind real life, but I’ll tell you now that I’ve moved out — voluntarily — and I am much further along in my acceptance of things.

Glad to hear it. Just remember, your rights end where hers begin.

Ali says:

In all honesty: thanks for calling me out on my bullshit. It helps. I don’t always see it myself.

Ali says:

Also, that’s the first time I’ve seen “rape” used as an adjective. Interesting.

Quite common on radfem blogs. Very descriptive of many types of male behavior.

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