March 20, 2013

Time Out

My feminine side and I are having a standoffish start to the week.

After Saturday’s tragic end, I’ve been mostly rejecting that part of myself. I have become opposed to dressing in women’s clothes. Even the small, day-to-day elements I’d incorporated into my lifestyle — underdressing, mainly — have stopped. My nails are cut back to the quick. I’m probably going to cut my hair whenever I find the time. My beard, recently shaved off, is making a comeback.I even avoided this blog for a few days out of sheer pissiness.

What am I doing? I don’t know. I just don’t feel like it anymore. Not right now. Maybe I’m blaming it for the breakup. Maybe I’m just thinking ahead to the future and not liking my chances at pulling off a successful transition. Maybe this whole thing was always  a stupid mental failing on my part, an attempt to hide in another Self as I watched my marriage crumble, and now that’s falling apart, too. I just don’t know.

I do know that home life stinks. In a lot of ways, we live life the way we always have, except that now there’s an intimicy gone that I miss. It makes every conversation with my ex-wife awkward. It doesn’t help that I constantly want to beg her for another chance. We keep a brave face on for the kids, who know nothing of the situation. I’m focused on them now, whenever I can stop thinking about her.

I’ve tried to find someone to talk all of this over with. I have Erin, but I’ve taken a break from calling her. I felt bad for leaning on her too heavily this weekend, and I want to give her a breather from my drama. I’ve now got calls put out to two seperate mental health programs in the area, but neither one has returned my call. I guess my mental health isn’t a high priority for the mental health people.

This was not what I inteded when I started down this path. I’d heard all the stories about women who’d come out, who’d transitioned, and whose wives stood by them, who’d stayed with them. My ex-wife swears she will stand by me, but not as my wife, only as my friend. And I love her for that much, at least. But I had been holding out so much hope that I wouldn’t lose her as a partner. Maybe if I hadn’t told her everything, things would be different now. Maybe not.

So for the time being, it’s a “time out.” I’m not expecting anything to change between us. It’s just that this has all gone so horribly wrong that I want to put the breaks on. I was taking steps before I had talked to a professional, before I’d thought things through. Until one of these two mental health programs calls me, makes an appointment, actually GIVES ME SOME ADVICE, I’m slowing down. I just can’t do it amymore.

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  • Ali, I am a wife of a cross dresser. In fact I found your blog while searching for answers on how to accept my husbands new title. He came out to me three days before your big reveal to your now ex-wife. I found your blog so captivating and it spoke to my heart on so many levels. Through your sharing in your experiences and articulating your feelings I have been able in a sense to understand my husband more. He is different in that he feels both male and female but the foundation of his cross dressing is the same. In fact alot of his experiences in those first few weeks were so similar to yours. I am trying so hard to be strong and accept this part of him because of my love for him . I hope that you can learn to accept the love and the part of your wife that is trying to be there for you. She sounds like a woman that can understand your transition. Please dont lose hope. Don’t give up now ! You are so very close to becoming you. Your true authentic Self. You are grieving the loss of your marriage and that is understandable try instead to take comfort in the birth of a new friendship that can be made strong and supportive. She may have withdrawn her sexual affection because of attraction issues,but i bet if your shared your need for at least some physical affection she would be more than willing to help. It sounds like she still has a great deal of love for you. Please keep up writing because your words speak volumes!

    • Brandea, thank you for the thoughtful comment. I promise, I’ll keep on trying (and writing — this is like therapy for me). I hope your situation turns out well, too, for you and your husband.

      • We have been together 20 years , married for 17. While I dont particularly find drag attractive , I am trying to see past the clothes to the man I love. I am associated his dressing with his happiness and when he is happy I can’t help but want to share his happiness. I look forward to seeing your journey unfold as well.

        • It’s good that you’re trying to see past it. The clothes are not about the look; it’s about the feelings inside that say “This is the right thing to do.” Some people also focus on “passing,” i.e. looking female enough to be seen as female in public, but again that’s more about the *need to feel female* then about the look itself. At least, that’s how I see it.

          • Crossdressing is such an intensely personal pursuit that almost any statement we make about it is likely to fall short of an all-encompassing truth. For me, considerations of the “rightness” or “wrongness” of wearing women’s clothing have never entered into my thinking. Concerning the “need to feel female” by those whose focus in crossdressing is on “passing,” it may be that, for many, it is less about “need” than “desire.” Or not. Who knows? I DO know that Brandea and all the other wives who support their crossdressing husbands have chosen a path that, if not always easy, is still “the right thing to do.” Every husband should be so lucky… and blessed by (dare I say it?…blessed by God.

            Randa — “Lord, I believe. Help thou my unbelief.”

  • Randa . You are very correct in that supporting my husband is the right thing. Not always easy when faced with something that goes against all my religious upbringing . I have always been tolerant of other people gay,straight,cross dresser, anything i love everyone regardless. It was a different ball game all together When faced with accepting that my husband wants to feel pretty. I have not only accepted this , I am now choosing to embrace it. In fact we have a date tomorrow for a make-over and some shopping. Now letting the family know may take years …..

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