My feminine side and I are having a standoffish start to the week.
After Saturday’s tragic end, I’ve been mostly rejecting that part of myself. I have become opposed to dressing in women’s clothes. Even the small, day-to-day elements I’d incorporated into my lifestyle — underdressing, mainly — have stopped. My nails are cut back to the quick. I’m probably going to cut my hair whenever I find the time. My beard, recently shaved off, is making a comeback.I even avoided this blog for a few days out of sheer pissiness.
What am I doing? I don’t know. I just don’t feel like it anymore. Not right now. Maybe I’m blaming it for the breakup. Maybe I’m just thinking ahead to the future and not liking my chances at pulling off a successful transition. Maybe this whole thing was always a stupid mental failing on my part, an attempt to hide in another Self as I watched my marriage crumble, and now that’s falling apart, too. I just don’t know.
I do know that home life stinks. In a lot of ways, we live life the way we always have, except that now there’s an intimicy gone that I miss. It makes every conversation with my ex-wife awkward. It doesn’t help that I constantly want to beg her for another chance. We keep a brave face on for the kids, who know nothing of the situation. I’m focused on them now, whenever I can stop thinking about her.
I’ve tried to find someone to talk all of this over with. I have Erin, but I’ve taken a break from calling her. I felt bad for leaning on her too heavily this weekend, and I want to give her a breather from my drama. I’ve now got calls put out to two seperate mental health programs in the area, but neither one has returned my call. I guess my mental health isn’t a high priority for the mental health people.
This was not what I inteded when I started down this path. I’d heard all the stories about women who’d come out, who’d transitioned, and whose wives stood by them, who’d stayed with them. My ex-wife swears she will stand by me, but not as my wife, only as my friend. And I love her for that much, at least. But I had been holding out so much hope that I wouldn’t lose her as a partner. Maybe if I hadn’t told her everything, things would be different now. Maybe not.
So for the time being, it’s a “time out.” I’m not expecting anything to change between us. It’s just that this has all gone so horribly wrong that I want to put the breaks on. I was taking steps before I had talked to a professional, before I’d thought things through. Until one of these two mental health programs calls me, makes an appointment, actually GIVES ME SOME ADVICE, I’m slowing down. I just can’t do it amymore.