backtotop

Categories: Ali Finds Her Self

Last time, I said that I was going to take some time to step away from this whole thing. And for the most part, I was true to my vow. I took the week off — I tried to stop worrying, tried to stop obsessing  tried to distract myself. And happily, it has seemed to work.

I’ve been using water metaphors pretty consistently, so here’s another one: the tide has ebbed. No, that doesn’t mean the water is gone (I’m typing this with red-tipped fingers), just that it’s stopped rushing up the beach. It’s pulled back, leaving the land wet but visible. Some things have been exposed in the sand, while some new things have been left there by the rushing waters. I’ve been examining them all. Some things have been water-damaged, to be sure; a few things might even be ruined; but the rest of it will dry out in time. A few things even appear to have been waterproof.

Despite the conversation we had last weekend, my relationship with my wife continues to be better than it had been through thirteen years of marriage. We talk more; we share more; I notice things about her that I’d overlooked before (or deliberately ignored), and I try to show her that I appreciate her for those things. Saturday night we curled up on the couch with a couple of beers and some bad television, and ended up falling asleep in each other’s arms. It still crushes my heart that I may lose her in order to be myself, but in the meantime I’m going to appreciate this weird but pleasant limbo our marriage has landed in.

I have heard the advice “This is a marathon, not a sprint” from so many people that I should probably have it on a t-shirt. But this week has proved them all right. Frankly, until my first t-centered therapeutic encounter on Tuesday night, there’s NOTHING that fretting was going to do to help me. Luckily, I was able to distract myself for long enough this week to understand that.

The fret and worry won’t be going away. It’s not in my nature. But I think I’ve finally stopped trying to sprint. Slow and steady wins the race.


Comments

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pi314chron says:

Ali,

VERY good news! Slow and steady DOES win the race. Here’s a video that embodies that truism. It’s sure to leave you with a smile on your face!

http://tinyurl.com/a57n5nu

Hang tight, my friend and fellow traveler,

Randa

Kira says:

I’m glad to see you being able to catch your breath.

Rachel says:

I so cried with joy over the mention of you being with your wife and falling asleep in each others arms, that is so what life means to me.
I hope your next time is soon, with a warm fire, bottle of wine and soft music

Ali says:

Thanks, but things are not so clear-cut with her. One night she’s affectionate, the next she’s reminding me that she wants to be married “to a man.” Sigh …

Meg says:

Just had to say ~ channeling the First Edition is something I would do. 🙂

Ali says:

Ha! You would channel the First Edition. I was channeling the Big Lebowski.

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