The subtitle of this blog is “not waving but drowning,” and I’ve had a realization: drowning is exactly what I’ve been doing lately. I’ve been underwater in all this, literally drowning myself in worry, regret, and uncertainly. Why? Because this whole gender identity thing just tossed me in the deep end and expected me to swim. I have been in over my head.
I was complaining before about how I was losing my identity; I still feel that way. But the truth is also that for the last two months I have neglected parts of myself. I have lost interest in almost everything that used to hold my interest. They may not be the most important things — gender, sexuality, society — but they’re me, regardless of whether I think of myself as a man or a woman or something in between. And I have control over these things. They will still be a part of me regardless.
I think it’s time for me to come to the surface. Take a breath. Look around, see how far out the tide has taken me. Figure out which way to swim.
- I run a podcast, or at least I did; since January 1st I’ve barely managed to put out one episode, and that was in mid-January (and it wasn’t very good).
- The podcast is about a videogame, but I have not logged into that game for more than five minutes in the last six weeks. My guild has booted me for inactivity. Totally understandable, but depressing.
- Until all this started I was also playing and blogging about another game, this one a tabletop game that’s undergoing a major public playtest at the moment. I’ve completely lost track of developments in that game, and I haven’t played or blogged about it since before Christmas.
- I like to paint wargaming miniatures. I haven’t put a brush to a mini since December.
- Last fall I was absolutely blazing on a first draft of a fantasy novel. I haven’t written a word for it since probably late November.
Between now and my first real therapy encounter next week, I’m going to take a step back. I won’t neglect this blog, but neither will I be posting with the rapidity I have the last few weeks. Instead, I need to reconnect to these things that used to be so important to me, before I lose sight of all of me.
To those who come after me: Don’t lose sight of yourself. This whole process of coming out and exploring identity can be so incredibly overwhelming, but don’t let it be the sole thing that defines you. Any guy or any girl needs personality. To quote the illustrious Jules Winnfield, “Personality goes a long way.” Don’t lose your personality in the quest to find your identity; that’s a Catch-22 if ever there was one.