Last night, my wife and I ended our marriage.
We didn’t have a fight, she didn’t take the kids and leave, I’m not sleeping on the couch tonight. But as part of a frank conversation, she told me that she did not see a way for us to “fix” our marriage and I, reluctantly, agreed. So we said it out loud: though we were still legally married and will likely remain so for the foreseeable future, as intimate partners — as husband and wife — it was best to let it go.
It’s not as sad as it sounds. In many ways, our marriage has been over for months, and it was the moment that it truly broke [a story which I promise, promise to tell some day] that started me down this long, crazy path towards being transgendered. Last night was really just about discarding the futile notion that there was a path to happiness that also lead to also turning back the clock and returning to what our marriage used to be. I still love her, and I will always think of her as my wife, but I will never again be her husband.
Where does that leave us now? Domestic partners, I guess. Our lives are still one; we still share a bed and a bank account and household duties and the raising of our kids. We will still present socially as husband and wife. We still have plans to go out as a couple later this month with other couples to a couple’s night out. We will still live as a family … for now. I would be lying if I said I thought this was a permanent scenario.
She swears that she still loves me, thinks of me as family, and that she will stay to support me while I sort things out. She says she wants me to be happy and healthy. She is, in the world, the best friend that I have, the one who knows all of my secrets and all of my quirks. And strangely, our relationship is better right now than it has been for almost our entire marriage.
I wish that I hadn’t had to break everything in order to appreciate this wonderful woman in my life. And it crushes a part of my spirit to know that I will never, ever have her again as my wife. I feel both blessed and cursed today, and a little lonelier in the world.