backtotop

March, 2013

    What’s In A [Middle] Name?

    So, I was driving out to see my third therapist in a week (I promise I’ll write that whole story up this weekend). It’s a good 25-30 minute drive depending on traffic, and I was alone with my thoughts. And I started thinking about names. The name I use for this blog, Ali, is the […]

    I’m not Fat, I’m Big Boned!

    Relevant to some of my recent posts, is this article posted on Autostraddle today: Fat, Trans, and (Working On) Being Fine With It, by Mey. She writes: I’m about six feet tall, I wear a women’s size 12 shoe, and a size 20 dress.┬áSo not only do I have to deal with the crippling dysphoria […]

    I Want To Run

    I don’t write poetry. I teach poetry, I study poetry, I sometimes read poetry for pleasure, but I just don’t write it. I’m a prose writer; poetry is the opposite of prose. But sometimes it comes out of me. Randa Lane has been sharing poetry with me lately, and it’s got me thinking about poetry, […]

    I Have A Lot To Learn About Transgender Politics

    In terms of politics, I’ve always been a pretty forward-thinker. Call me a Democrat, a progressive, a liberal, a Leftie, whatever you like. I’ve always prided myself on being fairly aware and educated on politics, not to mention on the right side of most issues. I read the newspaper; I follow elections; I can name […]

    Let’s Get Physical

    Sunday, I finally took the step of joining a fitness club. It’s the first time in my life I’ve actually had a paid membership to one. I had access to a student gym in college , but other than the occasional trip to the swimming pool I never set foot in the place. Now, I […]

    The Big Reveal

    There’s been some positive movement for me. Not in that my ex-wife and I are getting back together — I wish! — but in that I’ve started to let go, and also to accept. It didn’t come easy. As I blogged about earlier, I was in a sort of denial mode this past week. Cold […]

    Time Out

    My feminine side and I are having a standoffish start to the week. After Saturday’s tragic end, I’ve been mostly rejecting that part of myself. I have become opposed to dressing in women’s clothes. Even the small, day-to-day elements I’d incorporated into my lifestyle — underdressing, mainly — have stopped. My nails are cut back […]

    Broken

    I sent the following e-mail to my friend Erin last night, near midnight, from the cold street outside a coffee shop. I’m done. I can’t do this without my wife, and she is texting another man. I need her back. I can’t do that as a woman. It was the culmination of a week’s worth […]

    “I Am Not As I Seem To Be”

    So, it turns out that, despite being a good poet, Randa Lane is also an unrepentant Oxfordian. And in seeking out some actual De Vere to inflict upon her, I came across this poem. It kind of resonates with me right now. I am not as I seem to be, For when I smile I […]

    I’ve Been Outed

    I am not having a good day. Thanks only to an errant text message I happened to see on my wife’s phone, I have learned that she has outed me to her best friend … and that her best friend has subsequently told her husband. I have lost control of this secret. It’s out of […]