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Last night was … well, it felt like a big, important step. Telling her I crossdressed was hard enough; but admitting to her that I wanted to express myself openly? Dress feminine in front of her? In front of the kids? Expose the family to possible ridicule and hurt? I’m totally not comfortable today.I’m afraid I made a terrible mistake, but it’s one I can’t take back. I left for work before she woke up this morning, and I have no idea how I will feel tonight when I get home. It won’t be what it was yesterday. It can’t be.

It’s in my nature and training to relate to literature, and I find myself quoting random lines from a particular poem today. To get it out of my system, I thought I’d share it with you. This it what it feels like today; this is how I view the future.

THE SECOND COMING

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.

Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desert
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

— Wm. B. Yeats

What slouches, indeed? And I need to slouch, because I’m way to tall to be a woman.


Comments

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pi314chron says:

Ali,

Wonderful post…but…bear up even though it’s painful. Things have a way of working out the way they are “supposed to.” Love the use of Yeat’s immortal poem “The Second Coming,” although I’m quite certain he could never have foreseen the analogy you drew so powerfully. I might suggest also that Frost’s “The Road Not Taken” has something to say to your situation.
We’ll remember you in our thoughts and prayers as you work through the maze that is life.

Warmest,

Randa

Ali says:

Thanks as always for your supportive comments, Randa. No, I don’t think Yeats could possibly have envisioned his poem being used in quite this way. But as I always tell my students: once a poem is written, it takes on a life of its own, writer’s intentions be damned.

I noticed you getting all poetical over on your own blog recently. I was happy to see it; I thought you’d forgotten about your blog for a couple of weeks there. 😉

pi314chron says:

Yes, things have been rather hectic here these past two weeks, and my blog had to take a back seat. Your blog, though, has really been amazing AND more timely in its appearance. Once I get some minor eye surgery out of the way my blog will be back on the front burner (to mix the metaphors — “back seat,” “front burner.” Hang in there, Ali. I see in your next post that your wife thrilled and surprised you with her undrstanding of your needs. Fantastic!

Warmest,

Randa Lane

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