No one topic today. Just a quiet Sunday, felt like logging some thoughts.
I’ve decided that, for me, dressing really isn’t about the thrill, or the clothes, or the fetish aspects. I’m really doing this for comfort, for the calm, for the identity I feel. I think that’s an important thing for me to admit to myself, without qualification. Whatever dressing means to me, it’s not about girly outfits and naughty underwear; it’s about being comfortable in my own skin. I put on these clothes, and I go do something, and in the best moments I stop being aware of what I’m wearing.
I’m sitting here wearing a stretchy cotton top and the same frumpy denim skirt I’ve been choosing more and more the last few weeks. Beneath it is a bra. There is no padding in it, no falsies. I am overweight, and I discovered that the weight I currently carry on my chest allows me to fill a B cup pretty well. So that’s all I’m displaying, because it’s me. No falsies. No hip pads. Just my own fatty man boobs. But damnit, I like them this way.
You know what I was trying on in the store yesterday? Jeans. I had an hour to myself and a little cash to spare, and I went out and started trying on jeans. Not for my female moments, but to replace the male jeans I currently wear. That’s where I’m finding myself right now — wanting to do more “stealth dressing”, more day-to-day dressing. It just feels right for me. I won’t lie, the worst part about yesterday was not walking out of the store with a pair of jeans; they fit me, but all presented as too femme, and right now I’m just not ready to present like that.
You know what else I wearing yesterday? Nail polish. Not a prominent red or anything, but a clear glossy polish that had a shimmery glitter built into it. It was a very subtle polish, quite easy to overlook at a momentary glance. To be honest, I wore that polish from Friday afternoon straight through until this morning, and no one ever commented on it. While I can never know if someone noticed and was just being polite, I can say that I was around my kids a lot yesterday and if they had noticed, they probably would have said something. It’s in their nature (especially my daughter). So, stealth polish will probably become a weekend thing for me going forward (not at work; I don’t want to risk my job).
I wrote earlier this week that I was feeling unbalanced, seeking equilibrium. These last few days have been me sort of letting things go where they will. If there’s a balance to be found, it won’t be found by resisting things. Maybe my therapist will say something different tomorrow; but for now, letting the feelings flow have brought me a little mental comfort. And for that, I’m grateful.