February 17, 2013

Sunday Status Update

No one topic today. Just a quiet Sunday, felt like logging some thoughts.

I’ve decided that, for me, dressing really isn’t about the thrill, or the clothes, or the fetish aspects. I’m really doing this for comfort, for the calm, for the identity I feel. I think that’s an important thing for me to admit to myself, without qualification. Whatever dressing means to me, it’s not about girly outfits and naughty underwear; it’s about being comfortable in my own skin. I put on these clothes, and I go do something, and in the best moments I stop being aware of what I’m wearing.

I’m sitting here wearing a stretchy cotton top and the same frumpy denim skirt I’ve been choosing more and more the last few weeks. Beneath it is a bra. There is no padding in it, no falsies. I am overweight, and I discovered that the weight I currently carry on my chest allows me to fill a B cup pretty well. So that’s all I’m displaying, because it’s me. No falsies. No hip pads. Just my own fatty man boobs. But damnit, I like them this way.

You know what I was trying on in the store yesterday? Jeans. I had an hour to myself and a little cash to spare, and I went out and started trying on jeans. Not for my female moments, but to replace the male jeans I currently wear. That’s where I’m finding myself right now — wanting to do more “stealth dressing”, more day-to-day dressing. It just feels right for me. I won’t lie, the worst part about yesterday was not walking out of the store with a pair of jeans; they fit me, but all presented as too femme, and right now I’m just not ready to present like that.

You know what else I wearing yesterday? Nail polish. Not a prominent red or anything, but a clear glossy polish that had a shimmery glitter built into it. It was a very subtle polish, quite easy to overlook at a momentary glance. To be honest, I wore that polish from Friday afternoon straight through until this morning, and no one ever commented on it. While I can never know if someone noticed and was just being polite, I can say that I was around my kids a lot yesterday and if they had noticed, they probably would have said something. It’s in their nature (especially my daughter). So, stealth polish will probably become a weekend thing for me going forward (not at work; I don’t want to risk my job).

I wrote earlier this week that I was feeling unbalanced, seeking equilibrium. These last few days have been me sort of letting things go where they will. If there’s a balance to be found, it won’t be found by resisting things. Maybe my therapist will say something different tomorrow; but for now, letting the feelings flow have brought me a little mental comfort. And for that, I’m grateful.

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  • Ali,

    It gives me pleasure that you have found what, for you, is a very fulfilling approach to crossdressing. I have been convinced for some time that this very approach is both personally gratifying to me as well and is least repugnant to my wife. I, too, need to lose some weight and have found, as you have, that I really don’t need breast forms in a B-cup bra. It all seems, and IS, so much more natural. Your post should be very helpful to all who are new at crossdressing and may feel that makeup, dressing en femme, “going out,” and trying to “pass” are the very pivot points of our activity. Excellent post, Ali!


    Randa Lane

  • I found your post about 3 weeks ago ..I am a crossdresser who need to tell my partner .to be open and honest with her .A little bit of my background just so you understand .
    I was married for 28 years and was crossdressing on and off in that time ,But i didnt have the guts to tell.was scared of losing her .But the relationship broke down anyway and we got divorced .

    I still continued to crossdress even more now that i was on my own .But about 2 years after my divorce i met a fantastic woman .we clicked right away ,after about 5 months i wanted to ask her to move in with me ,but i knew it was cut the time i could crossdress.But i decided to ask her anyway .she was worth it .
    A she moved in with me and the relationship grew from strength to strength.
    I still found the time to crossdress but wanted more .
    I was stuggling on how to tell her .I trusted her so implicently i need to tell her but didnt know how .so i used Google to try to find me an idea on how to tell her .
    I found sites that basicly didnt help at all ..Then i found this post ,Your post and it just seemed to show the way forword for me .That was 3 weeks ago .

    And yes i had the courage to tell her .Compleatly told her everything from what clothes i like to wear ,what underwear i like .what size bra i bought ,how it makes me feel ,everything just came out .
    After i had finished speaking ,she just looked at me ,I wasnt sure what she was thinking ,
    It was silent for about 3 -4 mins ..but seemed like hours .Then she spoke to me in a soft and understanding vice and said . ” I love you for you .if thats apart of you then ill embrace that aswell ”
    She was shocked but happy that i was honest with her .
    Its still early days yet since i told her but everything is feeling very good at this moment .She lets me dress when i want, wear makeup when i want to she even helps me to apply it and gives me tips .
    We have had a couple of girlie nights together painting eachothers nails .
    Today i asked her if she was sure she can handle it, and if there was a problem then id understand if she wanted to end it.She replied “no i dont want to end it ..I am happy and when your dressed i can see you underneath it all ,
    But if it wasnt for this post i dont think i would have the guts to tell her so i have writen this reply to the post you made to say thankyou ..
    It took 12 months but your ramblings made sense to me .

    • I’m so, so happy that the initial coming out went so well, and I’m grateful you took the time to share your story with me. It’s always good to hear when someone navigates that awkward, terrible moment and comes out the other side victorious. Thank you.

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