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I’m beginning to question myself. I’m the kind of person who likes labels. Not to straightjacket things, just to keep them organized.

When I decided to face these feelings in me head-on, I assumed that the proper label for me was crossdresser: a guy who wants to wear women’s clothes. It seemed like the easiest label to apply, and frankly I didn’t know at the time how far the rabbit hole went. So I jumped online, started connecting with the community of CDers out there, and began reading up.

Now, several weeks in, I’m not sure I’m a crossdresser. I mean, I am in the strictest sense — It’s not that I’ve decided that I don’t like female clothing. Quite the opposite. Since starting this exploration, I’ve gotten more and more into it. I have completely stopped wearing men’s underwear; I wear women’s trouser socks to work instead of men’s dress socks; I’ve begin replacing the t-shirts I wear beneath my suit and tie with their softer female counterparts. There’s no going back on these things, I think.

But I have been trying to “be a crossdresser” online and … I just don’t feel like I fit in. The crossdressing community as a whole seems to have a character about it. It’s very feminine, very girly even. They always seem to be into high fashion and posting pictures of themselves and taking on feminine mannerisms (the way “hon” is sprinkled around CD sites sometimes makes me feel like I’m in the South). There’s a definite sexual undertone to some of it — the thrill of going out en femme, of having a tryst with an accepting GG, of wearing the sexiest underthings.

The whole thing just doesn’t feel right for me. I’m wearing the clothes because they make me feel comfortable, not sexy. I’m underdressing because it feels natural and calming.I don’t want a wig — I want long hair. I don’t want fake nails — I want to grow my nails out. I have taken to shaving my body hair like it’s something I was born to do. On the one day a week I get to dress fully, I don’t don high fashion or change outfits or take pictures; I put on something that feels pleasing and then I do what I’d normally be doing — surf the Internet, do the dishes, write a blog post. And I’m happy. And I’m me.

I’m beginning to think there’s more to this than the thrill of wearing girl’s clothes. And I’m kind of scared.

To be fair, I could be reading too much into this. Crossdressing is a spectrum, and I can’t brand the whole with the actions of a noticeable few. Maybe I’m just one of those more mellow, shy, less vigorous crossdressers. Maybe it’s just that the ones like me aren’t the ones out there posting pics and squee-ing over fashion; they’re being mellow and shy and not making a big deal of it. Maybe.

I don’t know. I’m having a thoughtful day, and those always end up here in the quagmire of uncertainty. Maybe I just need to sleep on it.


Comments

( 0 Comments )

pi314chron says:

Ali,

Wonderful post! As you know, there is no “one size fits all” definition of crossdressing. Each crossdresser defines his (yes, I know but “his” is the pronoun I’m using for simplicity) own way of going about it. And that, too, will, in most cases, change over time. YOU define what crossdressing is to you. There is NO governing body that makes those definitions. Period.
To me, you’re doing it “right,” in a very complex activity and range of behaviors where there IS no right or wrong. Have fun with it, relax with it, be fulfilled in it, and enjoy growing into it with the passage of years.

And let those who would assume to be the arbiter of your happines stuff their sequined purses up their collective a**es!

Warm Hugs,

Randa Lane

Ali says:

It’s always great to hear your perspective on these things, Randa. Sometimes I just get all angsty. 🙂

satinwear says:

As a closted panty wearing cd wanna be your comments and blog strike quite the accord. We all , me, really need support.

Ali says:

Thanks for the kind comment! I’m glad you’re finding them valuable. It’s helpful for myself just writing them, in terms of working things out; if they help others, that’s bonus points.

satinwear says:

it just seems that femming, as I like to call it , is so relaxing and feels so right. I want more and more opportunities and wish my body type wasn’t so manly. (wish i could pass) It is not so much a sexual arousal thing as it is I want to be thing , does that make sense

and btw . camis are so so cool

Meg says:

I agree ~ I don’t think going back is possible. I wouldn’t, and if I had to I wouldn’t be happy. Besides, I’d have to do some shopping. NO male socks, undies, undershirts in this house!

Good luck with that label thing.

While I’m here…. It sounds like you have some freedom at home. How are things with your wife?

Ali says:

Things with the wife are improving slowly. Still keeping the dressing mostly hidden, just to not upset the delicate waters right now.

If you can’t be comfortable in your own home, at least once in a while, then where can you be? To be honest, I tend to get a chuckle from the way some people act. You get it regardless of male or female, straight dresser or CD. Some people are always going to exaggerate their features and behaviors. Have you seen Lady Gaga (who, btw is awesomely beautiful without all that crap she hides behind)? Some guys hit the gym and become ultra “manly”, some women wear high heels ALL the time and act like little girls with their frills and bows. Most don’t. Most of us just want what you want, we want to be comfortable. I don’t know anybody who plays up the “sexiness” card all the time. That would just be exhausting.

One thing I would suggest is don’t be worried if you don’t feel a “thrill” when wearing women’s clothes, embrace it. To me that suggests your reasons for cross dressing are deep rooted in the person you are. It took me 3 years to fully understand my personality and why I dress. I am not here for thrills I am here because I want freedom of expression and the choice to wear what I want, when I want. IF you do not conform to what other cross dressers seem to go for and act like, again don’t worry embrace it. I am not like any other cross dresser I have spoken to and the thing that sets me apart most is that I HAVE the freedom to dress as I want where they don’t. And most of that is down to me doing things my way and not conforming so I can instead mix with the public and be seen as acceptable.

Layden says:

Im pretty young and i am not the most graceful person, but im not masculine. Sadly, im not flat chested and i do not have very many boy-ish clothes. I have been questioning if i’m bi, or ace, or trans. Then I found crossdressing. I remembered when I was younger and I would walk around in my older brothers clothes. I stole his shirt and i think i will (guiltily i am sure) steal some of his smaller clothes. I have been very confused and i am thinking of waiting for a while to tell my parents. I also want to cut my hair short and i hang out as boys as friends. Im hoping to get some insight from the (female) crossdressers.

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