January 17, 2013

Turning Points

I have mentioned somewhere in this blog before that I had been having marital troubles with my wife before coming out to her. I have mentioned that, at some level, I now think that denying my tendencies was one of the factors in those marital troubles. I think I may have even revealed that it was a fight with my wife that caused me to have the moment of clarity that led to me finally being honest with myself.

Well, I just found out last night, during a frank but ultimately positive conversation with my wife, that the same fight that brought me to a tipping point also brought her to a tipping point. A very different tipping point.

On that night, my wife had made the decision to leave me.

She hasn’t yet, and given recent developments between us she has pulled away from that decision. That she told me this fact last night was, I think, both very hard for her but also an assurance to me that she wasn’t going to follow through with it. Still, it was like a knife in the heart to hear it.

I blame myself, of course. One thing I’ve gotten over the last few weeks is an incredibly humbling amount of clarity about myself. But it means that my wife and I have a lot further to go before I can pretend this is simply about getting her to accept me as a crossdresser.

I have purposely tried not to talk too much about that part of my experience in this blog because it is personal and it hurts and it might reveal too much identifiable info. However, the nature of this blog has from the beginning been to act as a therapeutic tool for me to say things out loud that need to come out. As such, I think I’m just going to start talking about it over the coming weeks.

I don’t know how much is in here, or how much of it needs to come out, or how much of it is relevant to the theme of dressing. But I think it’s all relevant to my experience as a human being who spent twenty-plus years running away from these feelings. I know that dressing has been in the background the whole time. And I know that I wish so damn hard that I had not spent twenty years running from it.

Maybe writing it all down will be of value to someone else someday. Maybe there will be someone in a position to benefit from my story. Or maybe it will just be a waste of time and pixels. Whatever. It’s going to happen.

Strap in. It might be a bumpy ride.

No Comments

  • Aria,

    You were very brave to share your deep personal hurts and inmost feelings centering around the relationship between you and your wife. I, and multiplied thousands of others, have been at a similar point in our own lives, and we DO know something of the burdens you are bearing. If only that knowledge could make things easier for you….

    Marriage counseling could be of value in your situation. Perhaps you and your wife could discuss that possibility. I would urge you to put “dressing” into the background for a while as you both go about the business of working on your marriage. That may be very difficult for you, and you may reject the idea outright. Whatever you decide, these next few months may well be, as you have said, “…a bumpy ride.”

    Warmest Thoughts and Prayers,

    Randa Lane

    • As always, thank you for the kind words, and for even reading my blog. Sometimes I feel like an idiot venting all this stuff out to the world. But keeping it in too long is what has driven me to this point, so it’s got to come out somewhere!

      On the bright side, I really feel like a different person than I was even a month ago, and she acknowledged that last night. Now I just need to prove to her it’s a real change.

      And I agree, dressing will remain in the background for now. I even decided against pursuing anything like the contract you described on your blog. At this point it’s mostly private and hidden anyway, and it can stay there.

      • Aria – I post a lot on my blog to explain where I am in life. Crossdressing and other stuff all go into the mix. And now that I’m out to most of my friends, it’s a great relief. My friends say that I’m much more relaxed – I’ll bet that your wife senses something important has changed in you too, that you are trusting her with your soul. Don’t take this lightly – You’ve done something very important which may have saved your relationship and make it stonger for the long term.

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