January 13, 2013

The First Day After

As I said last time, I told my wife about my feelings and my desires and how I’d ben trying to hide them for so long and all that. It was part of a late night conversation and so very soon after “coming out” we went to sleep.

Or rather *she* went to sleep. I could not sleep at all. My insides were just churning and so I fitfully dozed for an hour or so before giving up and giving in.

The one thing I had explicitly told my wife I was going to do now that I was out was to shave most of my body hair, so about 3am I decided that it was time. I am a hairy man, and earlier in the week I had purchased a bottle of depilatory gel as a sort of “wishful thinking” purchase. Well, think no more! I attacked my legs with my men’s beard trimmer, then “napalmed the jungle” so-to-speak. Took over an hour. Afterwords, I felt so unexpectedly good that I went into the basement for a quick celebration dance (dressed, of course).

By the time the rest of the house stirred, I was back in my regular clothes and starting the typical morning routine. And that’s really what it was: routine. Considering what I’d done the night before, the morning went as though nothing had happened. The wife slept in while I fed the kids breakfast, and then I worked on some things before going off to meet up with some friends for the afternoon. The wife and I didn’t exchange any words about it (not that we didn’t talk, just not about “it”), and of course the kids were in the dark about it, so it was as if it hadn’t happened.

Except that the whole time I was hyper-aware of my newly hairless legs. They felt different under my pants and got cold a lot quicker when I had them bare. So it was a totally typical day, except one where I was constantly thinking about my legs.

After I got home that evening, I decided to approach the wife for a quick follow-up, just to see where her headspace was at. She said that she didn’t feel any differently now than she when I told her, but that she wanted me to be sure about my feelings. I asked her what she meant, and she said that she wanted to know if crossdressing was all I was interested in. In other words, she was worried that I would want to become a woman!

I would have liked to have assured her that it wasn’t the case, that I was certain this was all it was … but honestly, I couldn’t. It’s not that I have other feelings or anything; it’s just that I’ve only been exploring this myself for a couple of weeks. I’m fairly certain this is all just crossdressing, but I’m not even sure what THAT means at this point.

So I told her straight out that right now I knew that I was straight and that right now all I wanted to do was dress and that I still loved her and wanted to be her husband. I still want to be a guy. But I also told her that all these feelings were new to me and that, because a month ago I didn’t even know I had these feelings, I could not say where and how things would settle.

She let the issue go at that. We went and had dinner out as a family, came home, watched some television, went to bed. It was almost a depressingly normal day, given what had transpired the night before. And yet, despite being so normal, it all felt uncertain. I don’t know where the “new normal” is for me. I don’t know where the “new normal” is for us. I’m happy I told her, but telling her defiitely wasn’t the end of it. It was just another point along the path.


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