January 9, 2013

Where Did It All Begin?

Trying to distract my mind from wandering down dreary avenues by writing something.

So I have been thinking back over the years, trying to identify when all these feelings began. I know that I first crossdressed in high school, but the feelings were older than that.

The first memory that sticks with me to this day regarding gender and identity was in fourth grade [I think — it could have been third or fifth, I’m not 100% sure which.] I did not have a lot of friends in elementary school, but I was friendly with one girl, named Stacy. She was overweight with frizzy hair and an overbite, and likewise not too popular, but we struck up a friendship.

Well, one day they took all the girls out of class, Stacy included, and didn’t tell us boys where they were going. So of course, after they came back and recess began, I had to ask Stacy about it. And while I don’t remember the exact words she said to me, I remember this as being the first time I became really aware of puberty and changing bodies and when girls grow breasts.

More importantly, I remember being jealous that I couldn’t go with Stacy to the meeting. I can’t say for sure so many years later whether I was jealous because I wanted to be included with the girls, or just because I wanted to go with my friend. But it is one of only a few memories from those years that has stuck so strongly with me. Somehow, I think that’s important to all this.

A few months later (again, timelines back then are fuzzy but I’m pretty sure it was that summer) we were visiting my grandma’s house out of state. I had always been a husky boy, but that was the summer than I started getting “fat”. And one of the things I remember from that visit is when I started to develop fat in my chest area. That’s when I first noticed, in other words, my “fat boobs”, like all we fat people have. And I remembered what I’d learned from Stacy, and I didn’t know fat people got fat there, and I remember lying on my stomach at my grandma’s house, trying to flatten them out and push them in. And of course they didn’t go in or flatten, they remained. They’ve always remained, because I’ve never really been skinny since.

What if all this is just the result of a confused little fat kid who didn’t have a proper understanding of the way the human body develops? What if it’s all just because one time I thought I was growing breasts? That would be so messed up. I would be so messed up. Hell, I am all messed up.

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