January 9, 2013

Still Wondering Who I Am

Ugh. Slept poorly last night, because the existential crisis crept back in.

At this point I have begin clearly and consistently thinking in terms of Me and Him-Me. Me is when I’m being honest to myself; Him-Me is when I’m lying to everyone else.

I’m still resistant to naming. As I said yesterday, I’m trying on the name Aria as a self-identifier, but right now that’s like trying on a shirt. Me is not Aria, just as Him-Me is not [my real name]. Very often I’m Me and Him-Me all at once. I’m not lying to the world just because I’m wearing my masculine clothes and answering to my real name. I’m only lying to the world when I can’t be Me.

And they’re not opposites. Just because Him-Me is a him, doesn’t mean that Me is a her. Him-Me is who I have to be sometimes, and Him-Me is always a him, yes. And Me loves to think in the feminine, yes. Me delights in wearing women’s clothes. Me got obsessed with buffing her nails last night. Me just spent half an hour planning for her first plus-size bras purchase. But just because Me indulges in these feminine desires doesn’t mean Me is female.


I was reading back what I’d typed and realized that I just used her as a self-referencing pronoun without even thinking about it. 


I think I need to see a therapist.

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