January 8, 2013

The Red Duet

Hey, all! I’m in a much better headspace than I was the last time I posted. I’m afraid that yesterday I went and had an existential crisis all over the Internet. Drama queen I ain’t, but I guess I sure made a go for the crown. 

Anyway, the following is about something I did this past Saturday, the day after “My Little Adventure”. It was originally posted to the Crossdressers.com forum. 

The Red Duet

After my little Friday shopping experience, I thought I’d shy away from another situation where I might get a judgemental look or comment. But I happened to find myself shopping alone in another box store yesterday and the compulsion hit me again. I didn’t plan to, but as I was headed to the checkouts I detoured past the women’s aisles. And I knew that I was going to have to shop again.

Once I admitted to myself that this was going to happen, I decided that I wanted a skirt to go with yesterday’s purchase; However, this box store is not a high-fashion place; and aded to that I am a big dude who is carrying extra weight. Their plus-sized section is very casual and limited. Apparently all plus size women at this store are allowed to wear are slacks, lounge pants, and highly-Bedazzled jeans. None of those satisfied my cravings; I wanted something to go with those hose!

Then, on a clearence rack I saw this. It was in plus sizes, and for some reason it … compelled me. The lace, the red — I wanted it! And they had it in the largest plus sizes in the store (3x).

So I grabbed it.

This particular box store was a “safer” shopping arena for me because it has self-checkout. I kept it bunched amongst my other purchases in my cart and was sure to scan-and-bag it quickly, so there were no weird stares or rude commens. It was practically uneventful.

But not uneventful for me, because, you know …

One of the things I’ve started doing as part of my “coming out” is tweeting. While these long-winded stories here are my attempt to share my experience with a like-minded audience, Twitter is my release valve for when I start having anxiety and shame. It lets me vent things in an “open room” and in the moment. Here’s what I tweeted soon after getting home with my purchase yesterday:

[tweet https://twitter.com/Ariamythe/status/287694072313954306]

I’m still not sure how to put this into better words than that. Two days in a row I’ve done this, after resisitig it for twenty years. It’s not like an overpowerig high, but at the same time it’s like cleansing my mind. I’m not giddy, but content. Comfortabe. I can’t believe it’s only been five days since I began to allow myself to feel this way. I can’t beliee I spent twenty years denying myself this feeling.

I’ve got to stop the shopping spree, though. I’ve run out of pocket cash and would’t know how to explain further purchases to my wife.

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